don't mind me...

I'm just having an existential crisis

“The body is the soul’s chance to be here.” - Megan Watterson

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Padraig O Tuama

Like your typical golden retriever, I just sort of follow my sniffer where it leads me.

This weekend that happened to be to a church called All Saints Episcopal where Pádraig Ó Tuama was speaking. I held my little family hostage, and off we went.

Reader’s digest on Padraig: he is a highly sought after Irish theologian, poet and master weaver of stories and ideas. Besides learning that he is wicked smart about basically everything religion/history/blasphemy, I also learned that he doesn’t believe in God. But he DOES believe in Ruth and Naomi.

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A handful of times in my life, I have found myself between wake and sleep with a feeling of warm honey bathing me from head to toe in unconditional love.

No, I wasn’t peeing the bed. Yes, it has been the closest thing I have felt to euphoria.

This profound experience has left me feeling both completely held, and homesick to go back to where I started: I’m talking like back, back - pre little Michelle - pre-embryo - back, back, back.

Back when I was in Divine Union with the Creator and with CREATION.

So not to ruin the ending or anything, but I DO believe in God. I also fiercely believe that we belong to each other.

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As Padraig was giving us a history lesson about how women were completely jacked during biblical times, (prophecy for the future?), he encouraged us to write down any questions we may have.

Each person took turns, speaking into the mic: articulate, generous, and succinct in their ponderings.

But sitting in that wooden pew at All Saints, I never raised my hand. My inquiry felt both too simple and complex. My question had a backstory that felt more like divorced parents involved in an epic custody battle.

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The only ones who heard my question was the committee of judging Judy’s inside my head:

How do we make our way back to remembering that we BELONG to each other?

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As luck would have it, Padraig began to meander into the the subject of belonging, and I thought, “OMG - maybe my question will get answered after all.”

But I wasn’t prepared for what he said next. (I’m paraphrasing, so Padraig forgive me if I am not word for word here, but I sort of blacked out).

“Belonging isn’t always seen as a good thing. It can relate to possession. Or ownership.”

While all the other polite church goers nodded, my head quietly exploded.

WAIT! I thought each person would surely WANT this embodied BELONGING. This “walking each other home” thing - it’s very popular, you know. Which is why the state of the world makes me BONKERS!

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Then it occured to me:

What if someone has never felt safe in belonging?

Or belonging has been used against you?

Or belonging was forced upon you with rules and guidelines?

It was like everything I thought to be true was de-bunked. God damnit, GOD!

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As I was explaining this shell shock to Tom, he listened to me without interruption because he is a good, good man.

When I finally fell quiet, he said, “May I share something that has been helping me?”

I nodded, “Please.”

He pulled out a copy of (a different Irish poet and author) John O’Donohue’s book, Anam Cara (translated Gaelic: Soul Friend) and read these three pages:

To the fearful eye, all is threatening.

To the greedy eye everything can be possessed.

To the judgmental eye everything is closed in definitive frames.

To the resentful eye, everything is begrudged.

To the indifferent eye, nothing calls or awakens.

To the inferior eye, everyone else is greater.

Well, if that doesn’t nail our current administration - not sure what does.

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Then, here comes the.best.part. John O’Donohue explains the LOVING EYE. And I’m pretty sure that if you’re reading this right now, may explain why you may feel enraged, heartbroken, and fearful.

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To the loving eye, everything is real…

This art of love is neither sentimental nor naive. Such love is the greatest criterion of truth, celebration, and reality. Kathleen Raine, a Scottish poet, says that unless you see a thing in the light of the love, you do not see it at all. Love is the light in which we see light. Love is the light in which we see each thing in its true origin, nature and destiny. If we could look at the world in a loving way, then the world would rise up before us full of invitation, possibility and depth.

The loving eye can even coax pain, hurt, and violence toward transfiguration and renewal. The loving eye is bright because it is autonomous and free. It can look lovingly upon anything. The loving vision does not become entangled in the agenda of power, seduction, opposition, or complicity. Such vision is creative and subversive. It rises above the pathetic arithmetic of blame and judgment and engages experience at the level of its origin, structure, and destiny. The loving eye sees through and beyond image and effects the deepest change.

Vision is central to your presence and creativity. To recognize how you see things can bring you self-knowledge and enable you to glimpse the wonderful treasures your life secretly holds.

John O’Donohue from Anam Cara

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This leaves me with a few questions for you:

What is your definition of belonging?

How does it make you feel?

Have you felt true belonging in your life?

Is Michelle nuts?

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“The body is the soul’s chance to be here.” - Megan Watterson

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I heard this on Glennon’s pod this week, and it just stuck in my craw like a Carmel candy wedged between two crowns.

Spoken by a different theologian (I may sort of have an obsession) named Megan Watterson on “Women’s Voices So Dangerous They Buried Them” - it was real good.

I love you -

I am rooting for us, my little Anam Cara’s.